The last few days have been a little bit crazy because of two factors, one of which I will discuss here directly. In my last post, I mentioned a "huge fucking distraction," which was an unkind way of saying that my ex-girlfriend had emailed me after 4 months of no communication between us. I put it into unkind terms because I'd been feeling bitter. OK, realistically, bitter is not really the correct emotion. Bitter is a 5'3", 98-pound, beach-bullied Everquest junkie...my emotion was the Incredible Hulk on steroids, crystal meth, and a 5 gallons of tequila (I may be slightly exaggerating). The whole thing had been more than significantly heartbreaking. Those of you who've followed the blog probably have a good idea of what I've been going through here, so I don't think I need to retell painful old tales.
She emailed to apologize for the gap in communication and I sent back a less than cheerful response, which kicked off a series of accusations and counter-accusations, both of which probably contained a lot of truth or at least truth through the lens of individual experience. We ended up rehashing some of the less pleasant details of our relationship and I learned some new things about our relationship that have haunted me to greater or lesser degrees in all of my long-term relationships. In any case, it was not particularly fun to go through recent, barely scabbed-over wounds with sandpaper, razor blades, and rubbing alcohol. However, the tone eventually shifted, and we both took responsibility for our various misdeeds and faults, which is the foundation of forgiveness and ultimately will give us to ability to fully move forward. I forgave a previous girlfriend for some pretty heinous behavior, but she never managed to show any remorse or real self-awareness, which is why any future relationship with her would be impossible and, ultimately, totally pointless. In her case, the act of forgiveness was solely for my own sanity, not out of any sense of great altruism, although I did recognize that she was simply a very sad, flawed person. My ex-ex-girlfriend, that is.
Jesus, I try not to use names on this fucking thing so that it's more or less anonymous unless you know me, but this ex-ex-girlfriend and ex-girlfriend shit is getting a little tedious. I digress.
Anyway, my most recent ex...can we just call her M? My most recent girlfriend took responsibility for her faults and I took responsibility for mine, and we ended our emails on a fairly positive note. I have forgiven her and (I think) vice versa. I think it's very possible that we'll have some semblance of a working friendship in the not-terribly-distant future, which would be a nice change from my previous girlfriends. I'm not ready for a resumption of full-on casual communication yet, but that'll probably happen with time. I'm open to the possibility.
I am moving this week, so with the combination of the recent emails and getting the fuck out of a place where I suffered a lot on several levels, I can finally close most of the chapter on my long, fucking thoroughly unpleasant beginning in Japan, and I'm really, really happy about that. Sprinkle a new job and adequate goddamn pay in the mix here, and things could actually be quite pleasant.
Factor #2 is going to have to wait a day or two. I have some resumes to email out.
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