The Stench of Fear

People have asked me the same question for months: Aren't you afraid? And the answer has been, almost universally, no. I'm not afraid of this trip. I'm not afraid of being here, finding work, making friends, or being lodged in a country where I have a limited command of the language and culture. My fears here are the same, in fact, as they are at home, if and when I choose to allow myself to dwell on them. I fear failure, in a general sense. I fear my own weaknesses. I fear that I won't be healthy mentally.

Those fears, however, are offset by my knowledge that I am strong, that I rarely fail, and that my willingness to feel and my willingness to acknowledge my feelings to myself and others is healthy. My biggest fear and saddest failure has already occurred and that situation is and was largely out of my control, so I've already experienced one of the worst things, relatively speaking, of course, that could have happened to me, whether I'm here or anywhere else.

So, the answer is no. I'm not afraid. I refuse to be. Life should be embraced, never denied for the sake of fear. Fear is a choice, and I choose another path. This is as good of a place to rebuild my life and myself as anywhere, and probably better in many ways than most. And, in 2 years...grad school.

In more practical news, I'm leaving my current couchsurfing host for my friend Rebecca's apartment today. Tomorrow I move into my new place, although the exact time is still yet to be determined. I'm going to stash my luggage in a train station locker so that I can move around a little more freely. I'm really excited to get my own space and some privacy and begin actually settling into my new life here. This place will not be home for a while (or maybe ever, for that matter), but it'll be one step closer tomorrow. I am glad. The search for work also begins in earnest in the morning on Thursday, sooner if I can find an internet connection that doesn't drive me utterly insane.

Final thought: all of this blogging has me seriously considering what it would look like to write a book. I've always been intrigued by the idea of writing, but this period in my life has me motivated in a way that I've never been before. I have to restrain myself from writing more for this blog, because I want it to be a convenient way for my friends and family to catch up on me...but I could easily write way, way more than I am right now. Hmm.